Fairy Tales
by pickle ututtingne
Summary: Actually, 'Fairy Tales' are too nice a title for them. 'Demonic Nightmares' are much more fitting. Another crack fic including the Phantom Troupe! I am so sorry. BEING RE-WRITTEN BECAUSE OF PAST MISTAKES /audible sobbing
1. Little Red Feitan Hood

Okay, I may or may not have broken my computer, delaying everything I have written, Also deleting it. Meaning I can't get anything back. That's just fabulous. ON the bright side, I get a new computer! Enjoy this!

Little Red Riding Hood was pissed. Fucking flowers. Didn't they know he was practically allergic to them? On top of that, the sun had decided to throw itself in his face so he was flushed like a schoolgirl on her first date. Whatever, it wasn't like he cared. Though, between you and m, he totally cared.

Chrollo (his 'mother') had decided for some inexplicable reason to make him go to give her some stuff in a wicker basket. Even though he had, like, never been outside in his life. How do you think Feitan got that pale skin? It really didn't complement that horribly red (even though he loved blood) scarf of his. Blues and blacks were more his thing. Not that he cared.

So, he put on his super cool bandit scarf thingy, not the red one, which he did not know the name of and left.

Too bad Little Feitan didn't know how hot it would be that day. Or how nature could be so annoying.

Which brings us to his current situation. He was tearing up flowers (daisies, daffodils, roses, ect.) when a loud, menacing growl creped up on him from behind.

"Go away. Am not in mood," yeah, Fei-tan isn't very good with stuff, including the Japanese language Still, even after his warning, the growling continued.

And it continued.

And it continued.

And it continued.

Frankly, it pissed Feitan off even more. He was about to call it quits and go home to his insane mother when the beast growling stepped out in front of him. Well, I say beast. He just didn't have any eyebrows.

"Oi, little girl, what you doing in this part a'tha woods? Y'know wolves hunt here, right?"

"Girl? I am man. Go away. I not care,"I am man. There nothing you can do to hurt my man feelings. Bow down to mighty man king.

"Fuckin, bye then. Dick," and with that, he left.. Left to go eat his grandmother. Stupid shit.

And so, Feitan carried on his say 'till he heard a shrill scream coming from his grandmother cottage.

'I guess I have to save her…what's the point? Grandmother Hisoka was never nice to me or anything… But that might be because I tried to saw off her arms to stop her hugging me… I am not an unripe fruit, whatever that means…'Yeah, long story short, Feitan did not enter his grandmother's cottage, and stumbled back home in all his 5'1 might.

I can't write Phinks in character. Sorry. And it's my first time ever writing Feitan. Is it okay? Please tell me…

I am going to post loads of these. Be prepared.


	2. One Little Shalnark, One Big Phinks

Phinks was a big, bad wolf. In fact, he was the biggest, baddest wolf of the m all. He had graduated from Wolf Academy, but he didn't care. Because Phinks is just that cool. Anyway, in one of his many 'lessons', Phinks had learned how to blow a house down. So you know what he did? Actually did something with his Bad Wolf diploma. He got a job. The job? Blowing frightened, little pigs' houses down.

Ah. Phinks had spotted a pig. Don't get the wrong idea; Phinks wasn't a stalker or anything (he wasn't that creepy), but he followed the pig home. Oh, I forgot to explain. The pig wasn't an actual pig, so to speak. 'Pig' was a nickname for goody two-shoes. Though Phinks never understood the term 'two-shoes'. Doesn't everybody wear two shoes? It's not like people walk around with one shoe, refusing to buy the other, saying that one is enough. Though I've never personally met one, you might have. Maybe you _are _one of those people, and if I have offended you, I am deeply sorry.

Anyways, the pig Phinks had spotted was named Shalnark. He lived a rather peaceful life, at home in his straw house. To be honest, Shalnark had no idea why he had made his house out of straw. It seemed pointless, and he was rather baffled. So, Shalnark decided he must move. In about two days time, he was going to move to another house. Guess what it was made out of! That's right, sticks! He didn't feel any need to live like a normal person, and wanted to have sticks for housing. Because why not?

As Shalnark was packing his things, he heard a rumble outside. What could it have possibly been, you ask? Well, don't be so impatient. I'll tell you now. It was Phinks, and his trusty leaf-blower named Scarlet. It was named scarlet because of how much he had bashede his enemies to death with it that is was blood red! How delightful.

Phinks changed his leaf-blowers setting to 'Extra-extra-strong' because he wasn't a wuss, like that other kid (other kid being Kortopi – seriously, that guy couldn't even lift a train. How weak). Almost immediately, the straw house blew away. _Ah_, Phinks thought, _today's a good day to be alive_.

Shalnark screeched as he saw a big freak with no eyebrows run other towards his very delicate self. As he screeched, Shalnark dashed off towards his unfinished house. The roof wasn't built yet, which kind of sucked, but Shalnark didn't care that much.

_Good, now No-Brows can't get m- AGH! _Seriously? Phinks just so happened to follow Shalnark to his house, and tear it down with his blood-splattered leaf blower. Great, now he needed a new house.

Somehow, the blond, pink-wearing boy managed to escape from what he nicknamed 'No-Brows'. Within a couple days, Shalrnark had found a new flat made out – and you'll never guess what- mirrors! Yes, Shalnark was fascinated by the very things, and was also quite self-centred. He wanted to see his beautiful self each day.

However, the big, bad wolf once again came to feed on his pray.

"Ima gon huffle an puffle yo house down for shizzle ," And with that, Phinks smashed the glass with his ever-faithful leaf-blower. Shalnark just stared at the angry now-gangster, and laughed.

Today is his funeral.


	3. Chrollorella

Chrollo lived a hard life. 'Working' all day, whilst his sisters sit up on that fancy bloody throne of thers. Notice I said 'working'. To be honest, Chrollo was far too lazy for responsibility and stuff like that, and just slacked off. He made his stepfather do all the chores. _All _of them.

"Oi! Uvogin! Get back to work, you lazy bum! I can't have you slacking off any more, you hear me?" Chrollo was a spoilt brat. Always was, always will be. And Uvogin? He had had enough. He was absolutely sick of the boys' behaviour. Just because the wretched boy killed his own mother to get the mansion. Ha! Uvogin got in the way of the tyrant. Take that!

Yes, Uvogin gets his kicks from taunting young boys in his mind. How sick.

Now, we move onto the sisters. They were rather… unique, I should say. One was called Machi, and dyed her hair to look cool like her gang at McDonalds. Though she wore weird ninja clothing, because she was into Naruto cosplay. Machi had always loved Sakura (the real reason she dyed her hair pink). She was always walking around, crushing on blue-haired boys, obsessing over them and usually made weird hand signs. Chrollo didn't really get it. She wasn't deaf, so why learn sign language? He'd never know.

Moving onto the next sister, Franklin. He was a transvestite. A really manly, hairy, tall, muscular, deep-voiced transvestite. No one judged him, not even Chrollo. He simply didn't have the balls to. Franklin hopes to get a sex change this year, to become a 'full fledged woman'.

Moving away from the rather disturbing introductions, we begin with the story.

Chrollo woke up in his ocean-view room, yawning. The birds were tweeting all around him. That is, until he shot one.

"Shut. The fuck. Up." Yeah, Chrollo? Not a morning person. So, our 'hero' groggily got up and brushed his teeth. Not with his own arms though, his servant did (Uvogin). But this was normal, and to be expected. Oh. Someone knocked at the door halfway through Uvogin polishing Chrollo's shoes. How disappointing. After getting dressed, he headed to the giant fucking door to see who had knocked.

"H-hello, the fair ladies of this household are invi-Agh!" Chrollo slammed the door in the postman's face, but not before grabbing the two invitations he held in his withered hands. Hmph. Damn it, if only ladies were allowed to go, then Chrollo couldn't go!

Chrollo started crying. Weeping at first, but moments later, started screaming and kicking the walls. After a while, he stopped.

" Um, Fairy God Mother? Aren't you supposed to help me? I mean, I can work my own magic, I am God after all, but- Oh, there you are." Chrollo stopped his mild hissy fit, and demanded a coach, a dress, a wig, make up, horses, fireworks and One Direction's heads to be served on pikes on his coach. Once he had received all these things, Chrollo was actually happy. Like, with a smile and everything.

"I'd say I'm rather… beautiful, the princess of the ball, indeed!" Things were getting _very _interesting.

**Okay there is to be a part two, for Chrollo is a fun person to write, even if he is out of character. Should I let Franklina go to the ball, or Machi? By the way, Franklina is beautiful in every single way, and your harsh words can not harm her. For she is a strong, independent woman. **


	4. Chrollorella Part Two

Franklina was a lovely lady She never hated on anyone, not even over the Internet. Her sister, Machi, was a jealous girl, but still very nice to the kind-hearted Franklins. This is because Franklina had the world wrapped around her fat pinkie, and didn't even know it. Perhaps it was her untouchable beauty, with pale blue skin and the longest earlobes with the most earrings in the world, we will never know. However, Chrollo knew. He knew of Franklina's 'evil' mind, yet could do nothing about it. He could only watch as she raised her golden sceptre and ordered around everything he loved and cherished.

Though, thinking again, Chrollo loved and cherished nobody. Meaning he did not care for Franklina and her deceptive ways that didn't actually exist. So, he just marched on top of his carriage (not inside it; too dirty inside) to the ball. Well, I said that Chrollo marched, when in fact it was One Directions dead corpses.

Little did Chrollo know, Franklina was hid inside of the filthy carriage. She was lavished in silks and colours of unknown riches, a crown placed upon her delicate face (for Franklina didn't know you put crowns on your head). Because of this, Franklina was blind. However, she didn't care that much. No need to see.

"Oit! Stop! I SAID STOP!" God, Chrollo's screaming was nearly unbearable. He hopped off his carriage, and skipped up the stairs. Ah, the ball he comes!

Inside the rather dirty building was something Chrollo didn't expect. Yes, you guessed it! No one was there! Oh. How confusing…

"Hello? Anybody there? My beautiful self was invited to this party, yet I see no prince!" Just then, Franklina burst out and attacked Chrollo. As he was taken off guard, Chrollo was sadly caught. Yes, caught he was. Not only that, but tied up and blindfolded! The cheek of it!

Moments later, Chrollo found himself upright, in a chair that was _very_ uncomfortable, for it had a pin stuck in the cushion. It was as if a child had stuck it in inspite of his teacher. Ouch.

Surrounding him were countless (easy, actually. Twelve) other fairy tale characters, like Little Red Feitan Hood and Nobu White. **What, is this like some kind of revolution against me? Where is the road roller?** Chrollo made pointless references in his head as he tried to understand just what in the Hell was going on. **Uh… is that my dad? **Yeah, his dad still hates him.

Machi stepped forward and placed some 'Yu-Gi-Oh!' Cards in front of Chrollo. Oh no, 'Yu-Go-Oh!'was his favourite series. What were they going to do to his precious cards?

"Say, do you feel any regret?" Pakunoda asked, picking up the cards and shuffling them. Lil' Red Feitan walked over there with something in his hands… And they were rather rusty, whatever they were. **H-hey! Are those… bloody scissors?**

Chrollo let out a little whimper as he figured out what they would do to his cards, then mumbled a small 'what?'

"I _said _do you feel any regret?" **What does that mean? What did I do- NOOOO!**

"Noooooooooo! CYBER LASER DRAGON!" Feitan giggled, as did the rest of the group. Oh, this was going to be _fun…_

Should I end Chrollo's thing here? Also, I have no idea what I just wrote. I was listening to the YuGiOh soundtrack. Also, no ball! I was bursting with ideas for this chapter, yet chose the worst one.

_Torture through YuGiOh cards is the worst kind of torture. _


	5. Nobu White

Okay, I'm going to re-use some characters. The person I re-used in here is Feitan, so in this story, Feitan is not Lil' Red Ridin' Hood.

Nobunaga was a beautiful… I'm sorry, I can't lie to you; he was an ugly person, on the outside at least. He had a strange black moustache, a five O'clock shadow, black-knotted hair and a sharp, unsightly face. However, if you _really _got to know him, then you'd see how faithful and honest Nobu actually was. Also, something you wouldn't expect; Nobu had a beautiful singing voice. Sadly, that's not the main focus of this wonderful little story.

Now, despite how lovely he was, Nobunaga was treated rather… terribly by his older brother (Feitan). They were both great swordsman, though Feitan had always seen himself as the superior swordsman/brother. Nobunaga had always been secretly pissed off at this, however kept it to himself for personal reasons that I really couldn't care less about. Lazy narrating, I blame it on.

One day, Nobu left to go pick grapes for his pet pigeon named James. This left Feitan all alone. As you should probably know, leaving him alone is _never_ a good idea.

Alone in the magnificently large mansion, Feitan sat, wondering. Who was the **real **prodigy of their very small family? It must have been Feitan, right? Or… was it Nobu-NO! The minute he realized this, Feitan set out to get someone to assassinate Nobunaga. Of course Feitan didn't want to be the one to kill his dearest little brother.

After a while, Feitan finally found (do you see these F's?) his man. Not that kind of man, stupid: his assassin. Bonolenov was his name, and was a bit too creepy for even Feitan's liking. What can I say, an obsession with Egyptian mummies and boxing mixed together just isn't that appealing.

The mummy-boxer had thought of the perfect way to kill off his enemy: poison the grapes of which he was currently picking. Obviously Nobu was going to eat them himself, right? So Bonolenov crept towards the basket of which held many deliciously ripe grapes, opened the poison bottle and tipped it into the basket. Much to Bonolenov's surprise, the grapes absorbed the poison, which just made the job easier and easier.

Giggling like the little kid he secretly is inside, he ran almost clumsily towards a lone bush that was conveniently placed to watch his victim fall. Nobunaga had made his way over to the basket, and was currently singing some song in a too-happy tune. It went something like this:

**Over the hills and far away,**

**Teletubbies come to play…**

**Time for Teletubbies,**

**Time for Teletubbies,**

**Time for Teletubbies…**

You get it, right? Please, I don't want to do the whole song. Anyway, as Nobunaga was singing this cheerful melody, four creepy motherfuckers came along and started dancing. Not near Nobu, but on him. It truly was a terrible sight, seeing a grown man being molested by four… four… _things. _

After Nobu had banished the creatures, he exhaled and picked up a grape. _Yes! This is my favourite part! _Bonolenov thought excitedly as he gleefully watched the man pick up the grape and… and feed it to his pet pigeon? What? Again, Nobu picked up the grape and fed it to the deer that had magically conjured out of nowhere.

"There, there, Bambi." Oh God, he was killing off beloved characters from another story! That isn't what Bonnie-boy wanted! Instead of just sitting there and watching the torture, he gave a little yell and strutted off.

Hearing the disgruntled noise, Nobunaga looked up from his spot towards the lone bush. Nothing was there. Slightly confused, Nobunaga frowned at the bush, then at the deer that was in front of him.

"Here, you guys can finish them off." And with that, Nobu White took off to his shared house with a single, green apple in hand.

Just thinking of Nobu being molested by TinkyWinky is hilarious. _Hilarious._


End file.
